Ask a Priest: How Do I Find a Spouse?
Father, bless!
I am struggling. I’m so despondent. I desperately want to find a wife, but absolutely every relationship I start (when I can find one!) is a complete and total disaster. I’m giving up. Clearly, God doesn’t want me to be married! Help… if you can.
Your son,
K—
My dear K—,
The Lord bless you!
I understand. I was a young man, single, wondering if I would ever find a wife. When you want that for yourself, it is devastating to wait!
“By your patience possess your souls” (Luke 21:19). Patience.
Contrary to the way we speak today, patience was not a virtue in the ancient world. Rather, patience is uniquely a Christian way of dealing with the waiting that is often so burdensome to us. Patience is grounded in the hope of Pascha night. That death is dead and life lives and everything that comes to us is from the Lord as a gift. That every cross is for our salvation. Patience says, quite simply: Glory to God for all things!
Yet, patience does not mean idleness.
While you wait for the will of God to be revealed—as the Lord prepares you for a spouse and a spouse for you—now is the time to be doing the hard, introspective spiritual work on yourself. As I have asked many others, I also ask you:
What do you want in a spouse? And are you exercising in yourself the same virtue you want in a helpmate?
Beyond that, are you living the regular Orthodox life? Nothing outrageously zealous, but just the basics? For example:
- How are your prayers? Do you have a rule that was given to you by your spiritual father? Do you follow it?
- Are you confessing regularly so that you are constantly receiving the medicine you need to heal your soul and restore you to the man God created you and redeemed you to be?
- Are you attending the services? All of them?
- Are you struggling to overcome the passions? Are you comfortable enough with your search engine that you would even share it with your priest?
- Are you at peace with all?
Of course, there are plenty of very practical, non-theological things you can be doing. The world will impose these on you. In fact, they may even charge you for them! Yes, if you think a wholesome dating site would be helpful, you should consider pursing it.
But please remember that nothing will come your way that is according to the will of God until God has you ready to receive that gift. Your future spouse will be your helpmate—not your slave, not your cook, not a second income, and not the means to inflame your passions. Instead, your spouse will help you as you walk, together, the Royal Path.
Now is the time to be working on yourself, so that you are ready when the helpmate is given to you. And pray for your future spouse. Pray that the holy couples in our beloved Church help you and them in this! Saints Peter and Fevronia, Saints Joachim and Anna, Saints Basil the Elder and Emelia—they are here for you!
It takes work to be patient. I know personally. Marriage also takes work. Thank God that He provides this time for you in preparation for marriage, which will live on unto ages of ages!
“But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing (James 1:4).
With love in Christ Jesus,
Fr Joshua
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